sayang mummy tak?

semalam balik dari keje terus start keta gi pasar malam mendapatkan nasi dagang idaman. dah seminggu tahan nafsu. nasib baikla aku bukan jenis yang kalau nak, masa tuh gak nak. unlike some preggers yang teringin nak makan french fries mcd pukul 1 pagi, or nak makan sup selipar jepun. maybe sebab cikgu pun bukan jenis yang melayan kehendak merepek2 nih (read : tak munasabah) maka setakat tunggu seminggu tuh apalaa sangat. seriously, takde maknanyer air liur anak meleleh sebab mak kempunan. efek takde kat anak, cuma pada hati maknya adalaa. sakit hati. air liur baby meleleh sebab nak tumbuh gigi atau gusi gatal.

lepas tuh rush pulak gi amik ariana kat bbsitter coz nak kejar maghrib kat rumah. kat rumah macam biasa ariana main mainan dia, buli hamsters, mintak jelly, kacau orang makan, joget2, nyanyi2, cakap telefon walaupun takde sapa pun at the other line pastu siap2 nak tido. masa aku bersama ariana kat rumah limited sangat rasa tak cukup. lagi2 kalau ariana buat hal, aku marah pastu rasa lagilaa tak cukup. yelaa, quality time tuh sepatutnya dihabiskan dengan aktiviti lain yg lebih berfaedah tapi bila dah marah, mood terus bertukar. habis stgh jam kat situ.

masa cikgu bersama ariana lagilaa sikit coz kul 10.30pm sometimes lagi lambat baru cikgu balik from tusyen. balik jer cikgu dah siap2 masuk bilik nak tido. dia melayan ariana sambil2 baring atas katil jer. kalau dah keletihan sangat (seperti kebiasaanla), dia tido dulu. and sometimes cikgu belum balik, ariana dah tido. besok pagi ariana tgh tido dah hantar gi rumah bbsitter. she might feel like tak jumpa berhari2 eventho tido seblah menyeblah. kengkadang benda nih boleh jadi bahan bergaduh sebab quality time tuh membazir macam tuh ajer. not all the time. ada masa aku main kejar2, nyorok2, geletek2 dengan dia. but aku still rasa macam tak cukup. cikgu said "orang lain pun sama yang..." n siap compare with his student yang mak bapak balik kul 2-3 pagi almost everyday. well, takkan nak sampai macam tuh pulak kan? man. but i guess mostly is my fault for expecting other people to entertain my child when i am the one who have to entertain her. at the back of my mind i always think that ariana might love us less becos of our time spent with her. lepas nih nak ada adik, lagila masa tuh divided.

aku cakap nih sebab kejadian malam tadi. wah, "kejadian" macam serius jer bunyinyer. well, i am not the type that target anak aku kena pandai itu ini by certain age. i'll teach her what i can, praise when she gets it and if she doesn't i am not going to force her. aku lebih suka budak membesar ikut flow dia sendiri. well, she can count 1-10 in english and malay walaupun kengkadang terskip few number :P tapi ariana belum pandai bercakap with proper sentence. misalnya dia nak something. she will point to something n cakap "nak" then i would have to point each item n ask one by one "nak ni?" then if yes, she will say "nak ni" same goes when i said "bye2 yana" n she will say "bye2 yana" gak. i dun know if she even understand what it means. so aku nak tanya sayang mummy tak? pun takleh coz she will repeat after me instead of giving me the answer.

so semalam aku cakap "saaaayang yana" then dia cakap "saaaaayang mama" pastu aku macam terkedu. bukan sebab apa dia jawab tapi pada siapa dia cakap. dia memang panggil makcik aku mama. aku dah macam nak kecik hati pun ada tapi apala yang dia faham. aku cuma betulkan balik "sayang mummyla" then she repeat after me. but still, it hit me quite hard. i dun spend much time with her. quality time. well, aku tak salahkan makcik aku langsung coz dia memang manjakan yana. its a good thing actually. bagus dapat bbsitter penyayang dari dapat yang kaki dera kan? cuma aku takut yana lupa siapa mummynyer. is it normal to feel this way or im just overreact? yana, no matter who come n go in my life, you will always have a special place in my heart. mummy sayang ariana forever. even after i die.