Indipendency : living with the oldies

it is actually not easy. coz we have to mind our languange and behaviour takut mereka berkecil hati. since i was 5 years old (zana was 3) we live with tokcik and arwah onyang until we finish highschool. only going back to mak's place every alternate week. abah? usually he will come to visit us once in a while. tokcik and onyang are very strict on rules and regulations. feels like staying at the boarding hostel. wake up, eat, bathe, sleep, tv, study, et cetera on certain time only. they also send us to quran class. we have been well taken care by them.

the only setback was money and entertainment for us "kids". we dun have any toys or storybook there. knowing that our parents seldom provide the income due to their own condition and kerana sedar diri menumpang kasih, we never ask for money from them even to pay our co-curicular fees (another memories in mind). we would borrow books from the library or friends. we even have to set aside our school expenses to buy our sanitary pads. we had to be thrifty with everything in the house. i mean really, EVERYTHING. they support us the basics. the rest shud be our parents responsibility as they said. and it is true. i never blame them for what we have experienced is way more valuable than all those luxury things. it makes us, us.

Alhamdulillah, the sincere love that they gave us reached our heart altho we didnt get hugged and kisses. masa kecik tak kiralaa coz langsung tak ingat kan. the only time i remember was on my SPM result day. my mom waited with me and hugged me when we get the results. Awkward is the right word describing my feeling at that time. i just stood still, i dun even wrap her in my arms coz i dunno how to. and because we have guarded our heart so strong we didnt feel sorry for ourselves. abah pesan "akak hanya ada adik and adik hanya ada akak. u have to support each other despite what people say or do" and we did hold on to that words until now. we didnt turn to a rebel teenager. we are not a straight A student but we are not stupid either. we did manage to further our studies and syukur again for we are working in well-establised companies today. all we have right now is because of them.

as we grew up, and we have some money, we sometimes bought some ole2 for our grandparents. the look at their faces and the doa afterwards, its a bliss. "Ya Allah, murahkanlaa rezeki cucu aku" always been heard when we bought anything even a towel. but i feel dissappointed because i didnt have the oppurtunity to give back to my onyang. she passed away when i was in my practical. no allowance. no chance to buy her anything. :( the thing that i feel most discontent is because she has done so many for us. when we were being chase away by MN onyang and tokcikla yang backup both of us. MN, no matter what reason you give me now, i still wont forget what you've done to us. Allah Almighty. you've taste the bitter just a while after that. thats not grudge, just a reminder to myself. i did forgive you but i'll never forget. we went through ups and downs, thick n thins together. i wonder if my parents knew bout this. i mean the teeny tiny bit not the whole picture.

anyway, like i said, living with the oldies is not easy. macamana pun there's always unsatisfied feelings no matter how excellent we have been. dia takkan cakap depan2. maybe they will tell other relatives or their own children. so, petuanya adalah bila ada mulut2 busuk orang batu api menyampaikan benda yang tak sedap, tapislah. jangan masuk terus ke dalam hati. janganlah sebab benda yang disampaikan tuh, kita nak marah2, nak kecik hati, nak bermusuh pulak. kita ada akal. anak2 zaman sekarang kan lebih berpengetahuan hasil google-ing. hehehe. ambil nasihat yang baik, yang tak baik, pekakkanlah telinga, butakanlah mata. kerana orang tua yang membebel itu tandanya dia sayang kita. seperti yang saya katakan pada MN bila dia cuba sampaikan "alaaa, dia pun ada cakap pasal semua orang. biasalaa orang tua. alin cuma simpan jer, malas nak citer" and that shuts her up.